FORGIVENESS MERCY GRACE

The holidays are a notably challenging time for a lot of people. If you're feeling blue, being told 'It's the most wonderful time of the year' can feel like harassment.

This time of year never depresses me that much, maybe because I grew up Jewish and Christmastime always meant Chinese food and a movie. But I can appreciate why and how the holidays can incite feelings of loneliness and disconnection, especially in a moment as fraught as the one we're currently in. The blueness of the holiday season seems to have been extended year-round.

The writer and ace advice columnist Heather Havrilesky recently wrote: 

If my letters are any indication, there are a lot of extremely sad, hurting people out there right now. Take extreme care with others, and be gentle with yourself while you’re at it. I met with someone a few weeks ago in a similar field, and she said, “I’ve been doing this for 50 years and I’ve never seen people sad like this.” Can’t get that out of my head.

One of the more pernicious side effects of sadness, loneliness, and grief is isolation. A not entirely-trustworthy internal voice tell us: 'You are the only human to have ever experienced this.' Hearing another person say “I’m hurting and I’m scared” grants us permission to do the same. It’s in that shared space that community is born, which is, fittingly, the antidote to the modern maladies of loneliness and disconnection. 

Patrick Carnes has written, “Spiritual things happen when we admit suffering.” I've found this be true. But it can be a real struggle to get to the point of admission, especially in a culture like ours which places such a premium upon appearances.

Anyone on social media knows the experience of scrolling through the curated lives of friends and acquaintances and thinking “Geez, everyone’s life looks so… perfect.” We know intellectually – and from our own posting habits – that we leave out the complicated, messy parts. We post only the best, most flattering pics, the nights out that look like the time of our lives, etc. There are a few brave souls out there who offer dispatches from the center of their pain and struggle, but on the whole we continue to invest a lot of energy toward our lives looking good and struggle-free.

If I could isolate one demon with which I’ve done sustained battle in my life it would be perfectionism. I used to think I had to look right and be successful and always say the right thing in order to be loved. One of the great reliefs of adulthood has been a demolishing of that insidious fiction. Nowadays I notice myself recoiling a bit when people present themselves as blemish-free. That kind of posturing provides no invitation for me to lean forward because a) they’re doing just fine and clearly don’t need anything from me and b) I can’t locate a point of connection with them because I know myself to be a messy, flawed, imperfect individual. As Brene Brown has continued to beautifully shout from the rooftops: Without vulnerability and risk there is no connection. 
 
It should be said that disclosure is a delicate thing. We all know people who are a tornado of problem and dysfunction, those whom - with their near complete lack of boundaries - end up sliming everyone with their ‘stuff.’ There is a time and place for vulnerable self-revelation. ‘Reading the room’ is a useful and underappreciated super power. And during the holidays it’s best to assume the room is a little on edge.

Three words I've been defining and redefining for myself lately: 
 

Forgiveness, Mercy, & Grace

I consider forgiveness, mercy, and grace to be a kind of break-glass-in-case-of-emergency trio. When it all gets to be too much, they’re there for us. I hesitate to define these terms too concretely as they fall squarely in the realm of cosmic mystery. But I’ll do my best to articulate how they’ve been moving in my life of late. (Btw I don’t think Christianity owns these words by any stretch but the religion has probably done the deepest dive into what they mean and how they can function in our lives.)

I don't recall hearing much about forgiveness when I was growing up. Certainly I was taught about forgiveness but only in the most elementary sense of the word, the virtue of admitting when we were wrong, offering and accepting apologies, etc. But the word as I’m understanding it now is so much deeper. In an early episode of the (phenomenal) podcast “Dolly Parton’s America” Dolly is asked about forgiveness – specifically how she’d managed to forgive her former singing partner Porter Wagoner after he’d spent many years suing and defaming her – and her response was so moving: “It’s the only thing.” 

We’re going to wound and be wounded. That much is certain. It just seems part of the deal of being human. Forgiveness is a grand cosmic blessing of all those who have harmed or offended us. Which must include ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been as cruel to anyone as I have been to myself.

I once heard forgiveness defined as essentially "giving up the idea that the past should be different than it was." At its heart forgiveness is a radical acceptance of what was and is, a clear-eyed acknowledgment of the truth of what happened married to a prayer that the future needn’t recreate the past. 
 

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Remember the childhood game where someone twists and nearly breaks your fingers until you can’t take it anymore and cry “Mercy!?” How wonderful it was to learn that that option is still available to me. Whether my suffering is generated by external circumstance or lousy self-punishing internal chatter (or often both) there’s always the option of turning my palms upward and surrendering. I can always cry for mercy. And the kicker: I’ll always receive it. Maybe not on my time table but it will always arrive.

I find it useful to remember that soul time is different than human time. I am supremely impatient when it comes to pain-relief. I want out of discomfort as soon as possible. It can often feel like I’m left to marinate in fear and helplessness a bit longer than I’d prefer. But with surrender, an acknowledgment of my own powerlessness and inability to remedy the situation, relief is imminent.
 
The way mercy works, it seems to me, is that we have to ask for it. It doesn't just descend out of the blue. It’s endlessly available if we make space for it. When we’re honest and vulnerable with ourselves and others, when we offer an honest plea for help, unseen forces rush to our side.

I asked Rob Bell awhile back how he would define “Grace.” His response: “An unearned gift.” What is this unearned gift of which we’re all the recipients? That we're even here at all, that we exist, is itself grace. We could just as easily not be. That we know we exist - the very fact of consciousness - seems to me another massive and unearned gift. My heart beats, my hair grows, and my body fights off infection without my having to think much about it. It's all grace, truly. Every moment.
 
And yet it’s so very difficult to keep this at the front of our minds. We metabolize the miraculous so quickly, the transcendent so swiftly transforms into the mundane and we’re onto the next thing. Ceaseless hunger is exhausting and spiritual amnesia is a real thing.

But when I can shake off the cobwebs that obscure my vision, I find basically everything astonishing (That I can organize my thoughts and feelings into coherent shape and have people read them and be affected is but one of the countless miracles in my life at this very moment.) I've done basically nothing to merit these gifts. I've been selfish, self-seeking, obsessive, egoic, competitive. I could make some sort of case as to my being a "good person" but I'd have to overlook and omit so much nonsense. I’m a complicated, dimensional, flawed, imperfect being (and I suspect you are too!) But that’s nothing to be alarmed about. Because there is grace. 

Richard Rohr has said “If God loved only perfect things God would have nothing to do.” All God/spirit/universe is doing, as far as I can tell, is loving and blessing everything exactly as it is with no expectation that it should be different. None of this invalidates working on ourselves and striving to be better, more productive, open, and loving creatures. It just reminds me that where I am is okay. I’m being supported and loved as much in my triumphs as I am in my stumbles. I don’t have to do anything to merit this favor. That I am is enough. 
 
We are enough.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Some non-impeachment-related things I’ve been loving:
1) Jojo Rabbit
2) Another plug for Dolly Parton’s America podcast & Ken Burns’ Country Music doc (both are so good) 
3) Tyler Ramsey’s solo album “For The Morning”
4) Seth Meyers' Netflix special “Lobby Baby”
5) Liz Plank's sharp and insightful book For The Love of Men
6) Ben Lee's loving ode to his 90's indie rock influences, "Quarter Century Classix" 
 
Elizabeth Hackett is one of my favorite people on Twitter (@LizHackett). Her tweets are little comic masterpieces. This piece about her dog will break and warm your heart.

The World According to Phoebe Waller Bridge

The New Trend In Feminism Is Feeling Nothing (“I’ve noticed a lot of brilliant women, real and fictional, giving up on shouting and taking a darkly sarcastic approach to their grievances instead.”)

Teaser Trailer for HUNTERS, new Amazon series that I'm on (!!!) which will be premiering next year. 
 
I got a sneak peak of the four-part PBS documentary "College Behind Bars" about the Bard Person Initiative. It's gorgeous, maddening, and inspiring. And this is a sad and beautiful piece by a recent graduate: Some of my proudest accomplishments happened in prison. How should I talk about them? 
 
Paul Thomas Anderson has been directing these fantastic videos for the band Haim. My favorite thus far has been Now I'm In It. But Summer Girl and Hallelujah are both worth a watch/listen.

Beck's new album, Hyperspace, is great and so is this New Yorker profile on him by Amanda Petrusich.

Sacha Baron Cohen's speech upon receiving the Anti-Defamation League's International Leadership Award is extraordinary. Watch the whole thing if you can (it's 24 minutes) or you can read this piece which is adapted from his speech.
 
When I was in grad school at NYU in the late-90's John Simon (who died a few days ago) was still on his perch as the theater critic of New York Magazine. He was so uniquely nasty and cruel but you read him anyway. This piece does a good job confronting his complicated legacy: On John Simon.

Thought this was fascinating: The True and False Virtues of the Left

My dear friend and favorite artist Jon Marro just released his first children's book, Holden Hugs The World, a heartwarming tale about a being whose mission is to spread love by hugging each and every thing on Earth. Holden’s story invites readers to open their arms, minds and hearts to a more connected and compassionate world. The book is available for pre-sale now. Go get yourself hugged!

As always, if you're enjoying these please spread the word (people can sign up here) And if you're new to these check out past Museletters. JR